Commando is a 1985 action film directed by Mark L Lester and starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong, Vernon Wells and Alyssa Milano.
Damn this is a glorious film! I don’t even know where to begin. It’s unashamedly homoerotic, hilariously tongue in cheek and represents Schwarzenegger in all his steroided-up glory.
Anyone who thinks the humour in this film is unintentional needs to watch it again. Mark L Lester was fully aware he was making an over-the-top 80’s action movie. All the laugh out loud moments are shamelessly intentional and the film is timeless because of it.
The Austrian Beefcake stars as John Matrix, a retired special forces killing machine who now lives in a cabin in the woods with his daughter (Milano) and spends his time lugging huge phallic symbols around and reminiscing about his days in The Eastern Bloc while chowing down on mystery meat sandwiches.
No sooner can you say ‘come on, this is a Schwarzenegger movie, kill somebody already!’ we learn that someone is offing all of Matrix’s former special forces brothers and Matrix is probably next. Cue an ominous warning from Matrix’s former commanding officer, generic bad guys kidnapping Matrix’s little girl, and the beginning of a ridiculously high body count and we’re on our way to a pure, unadulterated shot of A-grade Awesome.
When Arnie’s attempt to rescue his daughter from the clutches of the generic bad guys lands him in their clutches too, they hold his daughter for ransom and insist that in order to get her back relatively unharmed he must assassinate the President of a fictional South American country named Val Verde so the bad guys can install their own dictator. However you can’t keep a big lug like Arnie down for long – he escapes their clutches and now the clock is ticking (they think he’s on a plane for Val Verde) for him to track down the baddies and his daughter, get greased up, and go all world war three on their asses.
The one liners start pretty much immediately and don’t stop for the entire film. In fact, this is one of the most quotable movies I have ever seen. From a guy taking out his garbage and remarking to the garbage men (who are his assassins in disguise) “I was worried you’d missed me!” and them replying: “Don’t worry, we won’t” before unloading on him with Uzis, to Arnie’s famous “I let him go” after dropping bottle-clinking guy off a cliff, they are punchy and irreverent. Well, not really. I just wanted to say the word 'irreverent'.
Bottle clinking guy (who is actually named Sully and is played by David Patrick Kelly) is one of my favourite characters. I love a good bit of sleaze and he is tremendously creepy when he follows Rae Dawn Chong through the airport and out to her car. He certainly doesn’t take rejection well. He also does the most limp-fingered wave I’ve ever seen, when he’s farewelling Arnie and the huge sleepy guy with the safari hat as they board a plane. It’s really odd.
I couldn’t even count the number of times I’ve seen this film. I love everything about it. I love the action. I love the cheese-flavoured dialogue. I love that Matrix is motivated to whoop ass by his love for his daughter. I love that when Arnie fights Bill Duke he throws him through a door into an adjacent hotel room, and for no reason other than to be completely gratuitous, the room contains a couple filming themselves having sex. I love that Rae Dawn Chong’s brilliant plan to free Matrix from a police wagon is to fire a freakin rocket launcher at it. I love how camp Vernon Wells’ villain is (aside from his Freddy Mercury outfit, he not once but twice talks about slowly inserting things into Arnold Schwarzenegger, and his demise involves Arnie impaling him with a huge length of pipe).
But all the so-called ‘story’ is really just leading up to what the film is all about – kicking ass and taking names. And this is done in the fantastic climactic showdown between Arnie and a horde of throwaway enemies. As Arnie infiltrates the main baddie’s island hideaway, they are (in no particular order) mown down with machine guns, blown up with explosives, impaled with garden implements, cleaved with various types of blades, and just generally slaughtered like cattle. This sequence contains my favourite bit of the entire film, and indeed one of my favourite bits in any film, ever: Fidel Castro-guy. You see, with a reasonably limited budget they couldn’t afford hundreds of different extras for the final battle, so instead they just kill the same 10 or so guys over and over again. One of these guys has a very recognisable, Castro-type beard, and it’s hilarious to spot his numerous deaths.
In the 80’s, Arnie didn’t need CGI. He just used his fists. Commando is one of his best.
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