Total Recall is the 2012 remake of Paul Verhoeven’s classic sci fi action film directed by Len Wiseman and starring Colin Farrell’s eyebrows.
Len Wiseman is a demented bastard. I don’t think he’s directed a single movie that doesn’t involve his wife banging another guy. They either have a ridiculously solid marriage or they are just into some really kinky shit.
As you’d expect from Len “Underworld” Wiseman, this film is shatteringly fast-paced and instantly forgettable. It almost completely jettisons every detail of the original film. In fact, aside from a few laboured references, you could be forgiven for thinking it was a standalone film just coincidentally also named Total Recall.
The plot, as far as I could be bothered to remember… Doug Quaid (Colin Farrell) is a working class stiff with a gorgeous wife living in a futuristic Earth where the majority of the planet has been rendered uninhabitable. Before you can say “didn’t Bladerunner do this?”, we find out the rich pricks live in the United Federation of Britain, while the dregs are assigned to the “Colony”. Quaid goes to Rekall to get some fake holiday memories implanted in his head, despite the objections of his co-worker Harry (Bokeem Woodbine). Predictably, it all goes pear-shaped and Quaid finds himself thrust into the midst of a global conspiracy when the procedure to implant his ‘secret agent’ getaway goes horribly wrong.
Verhoeven did the impossible with his version – he managed to make a solid action film that also had some subtlety, nuance, and actually made you think. There was the whole “is this real or just in his head” aspect that made what could have been a forgettable action film into somewhat of a masterpiece. Verhoeven can’t take all the credit obviously, as the film was based on a Philip K Dick short story, but he nonetheless managed to make a fascinating science fiction film that loses nothing through repeat viewings or geeky scrutiny. A film that works either way – you can choose to take it as a literal action film, or a more cerebral mind-fuck, and that’s what makes it great.
Wiseman’s remake has none of that, and it’s not a better film for it. Even if you disregard the original and just try to see it for what it is, it still fails miserably on almost every level. The acting is atrocious, the action scenes are forgettable in the extreme, the story is needlessly convoluted, and the special effects, though quite polished, are really nothing we haven’t seen before.
There’s some really lame nods to Verhoeven’s film that are so obvious and shoehorned in that they are not only laughable but completely jar you out of the film and serve only to remind you of how much better Verhoeven’s film is. I even gave this film the benefit of the doubt and watched it a second time in the vain hope that it might improve with a second viewing. But no. It’s a complete and utter disaster.
The film is so astonishingly forgettable that I also had to watch it a second time because the day after I watched it, I could remember almost nothing about it. I found this quite ironic given the film’s title and subject matter.
The other thing that’s wrong with this film is that it takes itself way too seriously. There’s not one iota of humour to be found here. Verhoeven’s film was laced with dark humour and an amusing lack of sentimentality of any kind. Wiseman’s film is trying way too hard to channel Bladerunner and Minority Report, and ends up just being incredibly depressing.
The performances are universally dreadful. Even Bryan Cranston spends the film alternating between being a cookie cutter bad guy and almost literally falling asleep during takes. Colin Farrell’s efforts to appear confused look more like he’s trying to pass a really stubborn shit.
When the best thing you can say about a film is “well, it didn’t completely suck” it’s a bit of a worry. I’ve now watched this film three times, which is three times too many. There are far better ways to spend 6 hours. For starters, rent the original.
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