Pompeii is a 2014 movie directed by Paul WS Anderson and starring John Snow from Game of Thrones, Emily Browning, Kiefer Sutherland and the big black dude with crazy eyes from Oz.
When the best acting in a film is a CGI volcano, you know you’re onto a winner. Kiefer Sutherland has never been among my favourite actors, nor in my opinion a particularly good actor, but to say he was in this film for a paycheck is a massive understatement. He spends most of the film preening about in a robe ogling Emily Browning, so I hope he had fun at least. Because ‘fun’ is not this movie. ‘Laborious’, ‘annoying’, ‘pointless’, and ‘drivel’ are more apt descriptors. But to be fair, the special effects are pretty awesome.
Let’s start with the bad, because frankly, there’s a lot to get through. Director Paul WS Anderson (one of Hollywood’s go to guys for style over substance, developing a catalogue to rival even the likes of Michael Bay), must have had a checklist of every bad Roman movie cliché in movie history, and he’s ticked them all off, one by one. It’s astonishing. This movie belongs in the 1960’s and should have been in Technicolor. We’ve got the heroic foreign slave Milo (John Snow from Game of Thrones, I forget the actor’s name), the big badass black slave (Oz guy) who starts off his enemy but quickly becomes his ‘brother’. We’ve got the fawning princess (Emily Browning) who just longs for home and has morals that are way too modern for a girl living in that era, we’ve got the evil Roman Senator (Keifer) who uses his influence to force said princess into an arranged marriage. We’ve got gladiators who are far more noble than anyone else in the entire film, and whose dialogue consists of very little despite repeating very tired clichés like “those about to die, salute you,” (history geek alert – it has long been proven that gladiators did not actually say this –it’s a Hollywood invention). And lo and behold, we even have one of the gladiators hurling a weapon at the box seating the evil Senator. Yo, Paul WS, in Spartacus, it was cool. In Gladiator, it was less cool. In your movie, it’s just idiotic.
The movie also spends a lot of time setting up these characters we are supposed to care about. The problem is, they are so cardboard and clichéd it’s a really big ask. I found myself staring at the digital time display on the dvd player wishing the stupid volcano would just erupt already. Once it did, the movie became really enjoyable…for about fifteen minutes. There’s some fantastic shots of fiery molten projectiles taking out buildings, people, and ships in the harbour. CGI really has come a long way since Bruce Willis single handedly punched an asteroid back into space in the 90’s (that was how Armageddon ended, right?). Anyway, the film just doesn’t miss a chance to heap on the cheese, with our heroic black slave indulging in what is quite possibly the most laughable death scene in film history. Seriously, it would be more at home in a spoof movie like Meet the Spartans. I think we’re supposed to cheer. I was laughing so hard I almost pissed myself.
Okay, I need to spend some time on the good stuff. As I said, the scenes of Vesuvius erupting are really great. The fire balls tearing through the city and the subsequent panicked masses shots are really well executed and explain why Paul WS Anderson gets these gigs – he can direct an action scene with his eyes closed (I think he might actually direct dialogue scenes this way). It’s really tension-amped and enjoyable, especially the scenes of the ships in the harbour being taken out. Though the reason the volcano causes a massive tidal wave is never explained (okay maybe it is and I’d just tuned out by then, and there’s no way I’m watching this shit again).
The scene where John Snow calms the horse is also a really nice quiet little moment that is done well. The film could have used more of these, but at that point in the running time I was happy for just about anything from his character besides gratuitous shots of his oiled, bulging muscles. I’m being serious here, the guy can actually act, which is rare for a beefcake eye candy-guy, so put his talents to use, for fuck’s sake.
Another great thing about the film for me, is the ending. Don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely woeful, but it made me laugh because as John Snow and Emily Browning are riding off into the sunset I was wishing for an ending where they both die but the horse gets away. And to my utter joy, that’s exactly what happens. John Snow tries to do the heroic thing by jumping down off the horse and thus giving Emily a chance to get away, but she then refuses because she loves him so much she wants them to go out in a blaze of glory together so they end up dying in each other’s arms while the horse does the smart thing and bolts away. I’ll argue with anyone who ever tries to tell me horses are just big dumb animals. Not so. The horse at the end of this film is easily the smartest character in the entire movie. In fact, the horses in general are depicted as pretty cluey. The reason John Snow needs to calm the horse in the first place is because it gets spooked because it knows the damn mountain is about to blow up and it wants to get the hell outta the way.
I think in some strange way that’s what the point of this movie is trying to be. The Romans care more about their games and sloth, sitting around with their wine and women ignoring the obvious signs that Vesuvius is about to blow it’s lid and a lot of them pay the ultimate price for this ignorance. The point is a bit lost however, or maybe it’s not, because the film cares far more about showing us spectacle than about delivering any kind of real substance or making us care a damn about what happens to any of the characters. Ironically, the film could be seen a great success in this regard but I doubt any of it was intentional. Instead it’s like an ancient version of 2012, with horses outrunning collapsing ground and lots of fiery destruction taking precedence over any good storytelling or memorable characters.
I suppose its passable popcorn entertainment. But though I’m in no way a movie snob, I can say I want more for my money than what’s here in this mercifully brief 90 or so minutes.
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